long jokes

Death Bat · long jokes

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you.... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

Guest

ewww...!! Thats nasty!!!

the hunter

thats funny! lol

Guest

EWW!!!

Death Bat

its funny there where more but i put this one on

Guest

that's disgusting! but funny, lol

Lokker

A dating couple, the man a semi-professional comedian, the woman, a psychiatrist, were enjoying dinner, laughing it up and enjoying eachothers company. As they headed home, they were talking about how the relationship was working out and kept mentioning what they wanted more out of the relationship. They went to sleep and all seemed to be over for the night. The man was woken by the slam of the bedroom door. He turned on the lights, to see his girfriend taking off her clothes and throwing them on the ground. "Make me feel like a woman," she said, the man, without missing a beat, took of his clothes, and said "Sure, clean my clothes"!

Guest

LOL!!!!

King Furry

LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL

Guest

LMFAO

Death Bat

The mom calls the husband a "bastard"

and then the dad calls the wife a "bitch"

and billy goes to his mom and says "mom what's a bitch and a bastard?"

and the mom says "well, a bitch is a lady and a bastard is a gentlemen"

and then later billy goes outside and hears his neighbors, and hears "Put your penis in my vagina!"

So Billy goes to his mom and says "mom whats a penis and vagina?"

His moms says "Well Billy, a penis is a hat and a vagina is a coat"

and then later billy sees his dad shaving and cuts himself and says "Shit"

and billy said "Dad, whats shit"

And then his dad says
"Well billy, Shit is a type of Shaving cream "

and then billy goes to see his mom cutting the turkey and his mom cuts her finger and says "fuck!"

and then billy says to his mom "Mom whats fuck?"

"Well billy fuck is a way cutting the turkey"

and Then later the guests arrive and billy goes to them and says

"Hello bitches and bastards, may i take your penis's and vaginas,
my dad's upstairs wiping shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the Turkey"

Guest

OMFG THAT IS HALARIOS!!!!!!!!!!!

Death Bat

it would be better if it wasnt censored

Guest

i know. dumby is the b word thingy.

Death Bat

Lokker

This man finds a ladder that leads into the clouds. As he's climbing, he sees a woman, saying "Climb the ladder to success." He nods and keeps climbing, only to be greeted by another woman, saying "Climb the ladder to success." He gets a little paranoid, for he is greeted by a woman that's saying "Climb the ladder to success," on every level. He eventually sees the top of the ladder, and when he gets to the top, he is greeted by a very fat man. "Who are you," says the man, only to be replied with "I'm Cess."

Death Bat

Joke 1:A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting ready to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.

He thought to himself, "Life isn't so bad after all," and got off the railing. He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life. "Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind."

"Dancing? I'm not dancing!" the armless man replied bitterly... "My as$hole itches, and I can't scratch it!"

Three couples, one elderly, one middle-aged, one young and newly wed apply for membership in a church. The pastor informs them that the requirement for new parishioners is that they abstain from sex for two weeks. The couples agree and go their separate ways.

After two weeks, they return. The pastor asks the elderly pair if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "No problem at all, Pastor," replies the old man.

"Congratulations!" says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He turns to the middle-aged couple and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "It was difficult," replies the husband. "By the end of the second week, I had to sleep on the couch, but we did it."

"Congratulations on overcoming temptation," says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He then turns to the newlyweds and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks.

"At first it was no problem," says the husband. "But one day my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf, and she dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," says the pastor.

"We know," says the young man. "We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."

Joke 3
Bono is at a U2 concert in Dublin when he asks the audience for some quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says in to the microphone... "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." A voice from near the front pierces the silence... "Well, f*cking stop clapping then!!"

Guest

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lokker

Three men came to a temple, requesting they join the monkhood, to which the reply was: "You must commit a sin and then drink the holy water from a basin at the gates, and wipe your body with the ceremonial sash." Three days pass and the three men come back. The first one said "I swore profusely (that means alot) inside a church," and the head monk watched him drink from the basin and wipe his body with the sash. The second said "I had sex with my best friend's wife." The monk allowed him to drink from the basin and wipe his body with the sash. The third man said, with great reluctance, "I've done something far worse than the other two," to which a response of shocked faces greeted him. The monk said "One yelled profanities in a holy building, and the other comitted adultery with his best friend's wife, how could you have possibly done worse than them?" The third man responded, with immense regret "I pissed in the basin and wiped my ass with the sash!"

King Furry

Dear God!

bluwirz_fYre

King Furry

Indeed.

Lokker

A little boy saw his mom come out of the shower, looked up, then down, and said "What are those, mommy?" She points to her chest, says "These are my lights," then points to her crotch, and says "And that's my garage." The next day, the little boy saw his dad come out of the shower, points to his dad's crotch, and says "What's that daddy?" The dad says, "That's my limo, son." That night, the little boy walks into his parents' bedroom and says, "Mommy, mommy, turn on your lights! Daddy's trying to put his limo in your garage!"

King Furry

Funni!

bluwirz_fYre

^Indeed! Quite stimulating! Very Happy

Lokker

During a court preceding, the two sides had trouble with agreeing on who took from who. One said the other stole from him, and the other side said the same, but they tested positive for the truth. They both didn't remember much of their dispute and they still accuse the other of stealing from them. The Judge was reviewing the evidence, but was still unclear on where they were arguing, when he asked where they were at the time of the dispute they both said the same thing: "Stripper Bar".

Chaotix

0Wn3D

Lokker

Three boys were at the principal's office, and each of them were late for school. The first boy walked into the office and the principal asked where he had been for the last hour. The boy simply replied, "I've been on Cherry Hill for an hour." The Principal remembered that there was a cherry tree on top of the hill, which was why it was named so. The second boy was gone for 2 hours, and when the principal asked where he had been, he too replied that he had been on Cherry Hill for an hour. The principal started to wonder if what they were saying was true, but he grew more suspicious when the boy that was gone for 3 hours says he too was on Cherry Hill for an hour. They were all dismissed for lunch when a a new student came to the office to sign in. The principal smiled and asked, "May I ask what your name is? I'll need to see if you're registered to this highschool," to which her reply was, "My name is Cherry Hill. I'm sorry for my lateness, I was busy for the past three hours."

King Furry

O_o was cherry a girl or boy?

Lokker

Two guys were at a bar making a bet on who'd get slapped by a woman first. The first guy walked up to a woman, blew in her ear, got slapped. "You owe me five bucks now!" The second guy grumbled and paid him the five bucks, but, before he did, he walked up to twins and fondle them both, and both of them slapped him, making the first guy reach into his wallet and paid him 5 dollars for a trade-off. A few hours pass and it's almost 1:00 am, when a third guy walks in, and bets the two guys 50 dollars that he can get slapped just for talking about cards. The two guys laughed at him, but the third guy walked up to a woman, said something, and got slapped three times, and even got kicked twice by her friends. The two of them reached into their wallets, and asked what he said, to which he smiled and replied: "I told her that her friends and I could play a game of asshole, and that I have a straight. I also asked them to either fold or show their pair."

Guest

TheDoomMaster